GISELLE…BORNO’S BIG MISTAKE (originally aired Feb. 2010)

HEY HEY HEY…LOOK WHAT THE BRAT FLAGGED IN…I’M SINCERE, SO BEND MY EAR…CLAN OF LEAN FABLES…GET ME A TAILOR, ELIZABETH…PRETEND I’M A CAT AND STROKE ME…TOSS THE TIDBIT…

AHHH, IT’S BORNOWICKI AND GISELLE, MAN…EL KOO-KOO-ROO-KOO…
PAUL NEWMAN IN “HOMBRE”…
SHOOT THE CATTLE BEFORE THEIR MOUTHS START FOAMIN’…
LOUIE LOUIE WITH NO BREATH MINTS…

WELL,CUT LOOSE AND HEAD FER THE CABOOSE… SPLIT THE ARROW, WILLIAM TELL…MOVE ON, DON JUAN…

WELL, GISELLE ALWAYS HAD A BIT OF A THING FOR BORNO, MAN…WAY BACK SINCE THE OLD DAYS…WAY BACK TO THE DAYS AT THE RINK IN THE WINTER…HE COULD OUT SKATE EVERY OTHER GUY ON THE ICE AND SHE WAS ALWAYS JUST FLUTTER-EYED WATCHIN’ HIM…SHE HAD HER SIGHTS SET ON HIM FROM EARLY ON MAN, AND WHEN HE CRUISED INTO THE BIGS WITH THAT “DUCK TENT” WINDFALL, SHE JUST PLUMB OUT AND OUT WENT AFTER HIM…

LOOKIT ME…I’M ALL EARS…NO MORE ARMS, HANDS, FEET, LEGS OR ANYTHING ELSE…JUST EARS…I’M LYIN IN WAIT…GIMME AN ENGLEBERT…”RELEASE ME”…

WELL, SO HE MOVES HER DOWN TO HIS NEW HEADQUARTERS IN CLARKE COUNTY, GEORGIA, AND EVERYTHING’S GOIN’ ALONG FINE FOR A WHILE AND THEN…
OH OH……THE BORNSTER NEVER REALIZED THAT ALL THESE YEARS GISELLE WAS ABSOLUTELY LIPS OVER FACE IN LOVE WITH R.E.M….SAME KINDA THROB STUFF THAT LOTSA GIRLS HAD OVER “PAULIE THE ADORABLE BEATLE”
BACK IN ’64…
WELL, ATHENS IS THEIR HOME TOWN…RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER…
OPEN GAS CAN, STRIKE MATCH…

SO GISELLE GETS WIND THAT STYPE AND BUCK ARE DOIN’ THIS TWO MAN ACOUSTIC LOVE AND LE BLANC KINDA THING OUT AT THE PURPLE HILLS CANTINA IN BARBER CREEK ESTATES…SHE SNEAKS OUT TO THE GIG AND GETS ALL GIDDY WHEN SHE SEES MIKE AND PETER IN PERSON…SO GIZZ IS LOOKIN’ KINDA HOT IN HER WHINE-I-FER WHINE-I-STON JEANS AND A COUPLE O’ COWBOYS START BUYIN’ HER SHOOTERS…FIRST JUST SOME SWEET SUGAR-MAPLE-SYRUP- BULLSHIT, BUT THEN THEY MOVE ON TO TEQUILA…PATRON, NO LESS…THE GOOD SILVER STUFF…
OH OH…
EVEN OL’ FATTY KNOWS BETTER THAN TO MESS WITH PATRON…HE GOT IN TOO DEEP WITH STRANGERS ONE NIGHT YEARS AGO IN ONE O’ THEM NEW AGE, UPPETY, FINER THAN THOU, STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE, SNOTTY, SPLASHY, PARVENUE, SENTENTIOUS, APHORISITC, “LET ME PARK YOUR PORSCHE” RESTAURANTS IN YORKVILLE…I THINK IT’S CALLED “BLOW”…SEEMS THE PRESIDENT O’ THE RECORD COMPANY ORDERED THE WHOLE BOTTLE OVER AND FATTY PROCEEDED T’ FINISH MOST OF IT RIGHT THERE BEORE THE WHOLE COMPANY’S EYES…THEN HE GOT ALL FOUL MOUTHED…AND OBSTREPEROUS…AND GARRULOUS…AND VOLUBLE…AND RECALCITRANT…AND FRICKIN’ FRACKIN’ DOWNRIGHT OBJECTIONABLE…GUESS IT DIDN’T MATTER MUCH IN THE LONG RUN, THOUGH…THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY WAS SHIT FACED TOO, SO NEXT DAY EVERYBODY HAD SO MUCH GUILT AND REMORSE THEY WERE ALL TRYNA FERGET THAT THE NIGHT BEFORE EVER HAPPENED…

SO STYPE AND BUCK COME OUT AND START IN TO THEIR FIRST NUMBER…AND GIZZ JUST LOSES IT…JUST GONZO…CLEARED FOR A LANDING…ACHIN’ FER BACON…SLIME IN TOWELL, SIMON COWELL…CLOSED FOR THE HOLIDAYS…MASS-EE-VO CONSTRUCK-SHEE-OH-NAY…ARMY BOOTS…WORSE THAN HANGNAILS-HANG KNUCKLES…PIG’S KNUCKLES…OY YOY YOY, SHIKKER AS A GOY…
SHE’S SCREAMIN’ “MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MICHAEL” AND SHE’S STUMBLIN’ AROUND WITH A SILVER PATRON IN EACH HAND AND HER JEANS’VE GOT TEQUILA AND MAPLE SYRUP LIQUEUR ALL OVER THEM AND IT LOOKS LIKE SHE’S PISSED HER PANTS AND SHE’S BROKEN THE HEEL OFF HER RIGHT BOOT, SO SHE’S WALKIN’ LIKE A PENGUIN AND IT’S ALL QUITE A MESS…

YEAH…WELL…. AS SADDAM HUSSEIN ONCE SAID……..”DON’T LEAVE ME HANGIN’….”

WELL, SOMBODY’S TIPPED THE BORNSTER OFF THAT GIZZ IS “OUT ON THE TOWN” AND HE GETS WORD ABOUT THE SHENANIGANS AT THE PURPLE HILLS…SO HE GOES ZOOMIN’ OVER THERE, ONLY TO FIND QUITE A SCENE IN PROGRESS…STYPE AND BUCK HAVE STOPPED THE SHOW IN AN ATTEMPT TO “GET THINGS UNDER CONTROL”…A COUPLA THE PURPLE HILLS BOUNCERS HAVE TRIED TO “SUBDUE” GIZZ, BUT SHE GOT ORNERY REAL FAST…GAVE ONE O’ THEM A REAL GOOD HARD KICK IN THE BASKET OF FRUIT, AND HAD A REAL GOOD FULL BLOWN PUKE ON THE OTHER ONE…SO BORNO WALKS IN TO THE MIDDLE OF THIS MAD MAGAZINE SCENARIO, AND THE FIRST THING HE SEES IS GIZZ SCREAMIN’ AND FLAILIN’ WITH THESE TWO PALOOKAS…HE HASN’T SEEN WHAT’S LED UP TO THIS, AND HE REACTS LIKE A TYPICAL, POON-WHIPPED, BRAINWASHED BOYFRIEND FROM THE NINIETEEN FIFTIES, ASSUMIN’ ALL THE WHILE THAT IT’S NOT HIS CHICK’S FAULT…HE STEPS IN LIKE SOME KINDA DUMB-ASS WHITE KNIGHT RESCUIN’ SOME FREAKIN’ DAMSEL, AND HE GETS HIS ASS KICKED INTO THE MIDDLE OF NEXT WEDNESDAY…THESE TWO MALEFACTORS FORGET ALL ABOUT GISELLE AND TURN THEIR FURY TOWARDS THE BORN…AND MAN, DID HE PAY THE PIPER FOR HIS CHICK’S ANTICS…
THEY KICKED OUT HIS TOP FOUR FRONT TEETH AND BROKE HIS JAW…HE’S STILL GOT IT WIRED UP…CAN’T CHEW, SO HE’S HAVIN’ ALL HIS MEALS THROUGH A STRAW…LIKE BABY FOOD MUSH…BOGUS, MY MAN…
BAD SKIS, SLIME ON THE SLOPES…TORTUROUS…
AWWW, DUUUUUUUDE…..

RHYMES WITH “A TRICK OR LUDICROUS ACT DONE FOR FUN AND AMUSEMENT…”
RHYMES WITH “THE LOWER HOUSE OF THE PARLIAMENT OF THE IRISH FREE STATE…”

SO NOW BORNOWICKI CAN’T TALK, CAN’T CHEW, HE’S GOT HIS MOUTH WIRED SHUT TO RE-SET HIS JAW, AND GISELLE’S THREATENIN’ TO MOVE OUT AND TAKE A HUGE PILE O’ HIS DUCK TENT MONEY WITH HER, SEEIN’ AS THEY’VE BEEN “CO-HABITATING” DOWN IN GEORGIAALL THESE MONTHS, AND APPARENTLY GEORGIA’S LAWS ARE EVEN STRICTER ON JOINT PROPERTY ISSUES THAN CALIFORNIA…
THE BORN MIGHT LOSE A HUGE HEAP O’ THAT DUCK TENT MONEY IF HE DON’T ACT FAST…I HEAR HE’S TIED GLUTES WITH THAT JAPANESE GUY FROM TOYOTA AGAIN…TRYNA GET SOME O’ HIS “HOLDINGS” OUTA HIS OWN NAME AND INTO SOMEONE ELSE’S BEFORE GIZZ CAN SKEEDADDLE WITH TOO MUCH LETTUCE…AHHH, MANNNNN…THE POOR OLD BORNSTER…HE DOESN’T DESERVE ALL THIS…BUT ONCE AGAIN…LOOK WHAT’S AT THE CORE OF HIS MISERY…
A CHICK…A JEZEBEL…A JADE…A STRUMPET…A LOOSEYGOOSEY…A FORNICATRESS…A MISSY…A CHILD OF EVE…
MAN, BORNWICKI WON’T BE THE FIRST GUY TO BE BROUGHT DOWN BY A COMBINATION OF ALCOHOL AND SKIRT…
IT’S BEEN GOIN’ ON SINCE BIBLICAL TIMES…DELILAH…SHE GOT OUT THE SNIPS AND DID AWAY WITH SAMSON’S HAIR…CLEOPATRA…SHE MADE CHRISTMAS CAKE OUTA MARKUS ANTONIUS…SITTIN’ UP THERE ON ALL THAT GOLD WITH NUBIANS FANNIN’ HER WITH OSTRICH FEATHERS AND STUFF…NOT MUCH DIFFERENT THAT WHAT GIZZ IS DOIN’ TO THE OLD BORNSTER…MAN, THERE’S NO END TO IT, IS THERE…?

APPARENTLY NOT, MY MAN…LISTEN, THIS IS ALL FASCINATING, BUT I GOTTA GET OUTA HERE…I GOT A SHIPMENT O’ SILVER AND GOLD GRILLS COMIN’ IN TONIGHT AND I HEAR EVERY GANG FROM ARLINGTON TO FIFE IS GONNA BE THERE TO CLAIM SOVEREIGNTY…E PLURIBUS HITCHCOCK…LOOKS LIKE I’M JOININ’ THE WALKER BROTHERS FER AT LEAST ONE NIGHT…”MY SHIP IS COMIN’ IN…”
GOTTA GET WALLANTINI AND TIVADOR TO COVER MY BACK TONIGHT, UNTIL THE COIN FINDS ITS WAY INTO THE PROPER HANDS…THESE STREET GUYS CAN TURN ON A DIME…MAN, THINGS ARE GETTIN’ A BIT PALE DOWN THERE BY THE BRIDGE…THEY FOUND ANOTHER DUDE FACE DOWN LAST NIGHT WITH A SPIKE IN HIS LEFT ARM…

FAN THE FIRES AND CHANGE MY TIRES…

EURIPIDES, MAN…YOU RIPPA DESE PANTS AND I’LL THROW YOU IN JAIL…

IF I CAN JUST MAKE THESE TWO FINAL HAULS, I’LL HAVE ENOUGH TO GET MY CORVAIR BACK…THEN A BIT O’ BODY WORK AND A BIT O’ LUCK AND I’M OUTA HERE…HEADIN’ BACK TO BARBADOS…ME AND PETE PITLER, YOU KNOW, IRV’S BROTHER, WE JUST NAILED THE FRANCHISE FOR NATIONAL HEROES TEE SHIRTS DOWN THERE…MAN, WE’RE DOIN’ THE WHOLE LINE…SO FAR WE’VE GOT

CLEMENT OSBOURNE PAYNE
ERROL WALTON BARROW
SARAH ANN GILL
CHARLES DUNCAN O’NEAL
SIR FRANK WALCOTT AND GRANTLEY HERBERT ADAMS…

WE SHOULD REAP SOME SHARP CAKE NEXT KADOOMENT DAY AND COHOBBLOPOT FEST…SEEMS THE FOLKS ARE RIP AND READY TO BE RUNNIN’ ROUND SPORTIN’ BIG FACES O’ THEIR HEROES THAT MADE BARBADOS WHAT IT IS TODAY…AND ME AND PETE’LL BE RIGHT THERE TO “KINDLY ACCEPT THEIR MONEY IN EXCHANGE FOR A BIT O’ THEIR OWN HISTORY”…BUSINESS IS A BIT LIKE COMEDY MY MAN…

HOW’S THAT…?

TIMING…IT’S ALL TIMING…MY NIECE PERTLIFUGE JUST CLEANED UP ON FORCLOSURES…SHE’S TURNIN’ OTHER PEOPLE’S MISFORTUNE INTO HER OWN PERSONAL WIN-WIN…I GUESS IT’S REALLY TRUE WHAT THE HOOKER SAID…

WHAT’S THAT…?

“IT’S ALL HOW YA HANDLE IT…”

WELL, PEACE AND PEDAL PUSHERS, MAN…RIDE WITH THE BEST AND END UP IN THE WEST…

IT’S ALL IN THE CLUES, MAN…CLORIS LEACHMAN TO YOU AND YOURS…

YEAH, MAN…I WISH YOU RINGO BINGO…”UNDER THE O, A SET O’ DRUMS…”

I HEAR YA, TROUSDALE…

LIQUIFIED…SHE’LL BE BUMMIN’ ROUND THE FOUNTAIN WHEN SHE SLUMS….

BLC WITH “STEPHANIE” FROM “SIDEWAYS”…

ONE OF THE PERKS OF LAST WEEKEND WAS THE FACT THAT I GOT TO SPEAK TO SANDRA OH AND TELL HER HOW MUCH I HAD ADMIRED “SIDEWAYS”…REALLY, HONESTLY, IN MY “FILM BUFF OPINION” ONE OF THE BEST AMERICAN MOVIES EVER MADE. I WAS ABLE TO TELL HER FACE TO FACE HOW I’VE ACTUALLY WATCHED IT ABOUT 8 OR 9 TIMES. I DON’T DO THAT A LOT WITH FILMS. NOT MANY FILMS ARE MAGICAL OR CAPTIVATING ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU WANT TO VIEW THEM OVER AND OVER, THE WAY ONE MIGHT LISTEN REPEATEDLY TO THE WHITE BEATLES ALBUM OR THE SOFT PARADE OR ANY MUSIC ALBUM BY ANY ARTIST FROM ANY ERA…I WAS ABLE TO QUOTE A COUPLE OF HER LINES TO HER AND IT MADE HER LAUGH. AND IT FELT AS THOUGH SHE WAS EQUALLY GLAD TO MEET AND TALK TO ME…I GUESS SINCE SHE GREW UP IN ONTARIO AND SHE’S ONLY FORTY, I’VE SORT OF “BEEN ON THE RADIO HER WHOLE LIFE”… JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU ANOTHER FLEETING MOMENT FROM A PRETTY BUZZED-OUT WEEK…
THANKS AGAIN TO ALL FOR OUTPOURINGS REGARDING TOAST.
(Post Script) I was just smirking to myself that I’m going to enjoy very much getting back into Blue Moon around Halloween time and start to do final mixes on “Live At Massey Hall”…as Lorne often says, yes you can fix everything these days with computers…many new albums now are so perfect they’re not so human anymore…what the computers can’t do yet is create “vibe”…the emotion and energy in that room that night was palpable, not only to me, i think, but to most of the crowd…
nice evening…nice weekend…